I’m not about to tell you any of this to prove how much more spiritual I am than you. No. I’m only interested in the possibility of you seeing something (a life with Jesus, and only Jesus) that you may want to live out in your own life. To give you insight into a life that is wrapped up in this feeling of being tightly squeezed by the Spirit all the days of your life, of never being insecure because your trust in the Lord outweighs any obstacle you could ever face in the flesh.
I had always lived from an extreme place of fear for the future. That fear didn’t allow me to enjoy the present very much because I was always worried about what I needed to do next, how I could please people more, and always entrapped in thinking about opportunities of how I could, or potentially would, be noticed for my accomplishments. Parallel to these feelings were longings in my soul for someone to see me for the woman God had created me to be. Not by my works, or by my giftings. At the same time as never feeling like I’d achieved enough in my 21 years of life so far, I also wanted every one to see me apart from the things I could potentially do for them. To just have me sit at their table. To find me interesting enough to just want to be with me, not so that I could entertain them or even necessarily be a part of the conversation going on, but just so I could be seen.
“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7
Being seen for who we are instead of what we can do, is a fundamental longing that has been situated inside of all of us. But this longing was never supposed to be fulfilled with other people. In any capacity. I don’t care if you’re married, or have a super close relationship with your family, if you’re in a relationship, or want to be in one. God is a jealous God. He wants to be the only one who satisfies ALL of the longings in your heart. People will fail you. People will never be enough. I am not trying to weigh you down. I myself am still a single girl, who use to struggle so hardcore with longings to walk a life alongside another. I know what it is to hear someone, a preacher, teacher or friend tell you that, and feel like they just turned a knife in your heart. Your gut reaction is to either scowl through it, or to tear up, because you feel that what they are telling you isn’t fair. This can be an especially hard pill to swallow if you’re someone with sickness in your heart from hope deferred, and you’re being counselled by a ton of people in relationships. IRONY. This is where that whole killing your pride comes in. The thing is that He never even wanted you to have to feel even that achey-tormenty feeling in your chest at the thought of being alone. The reality is that those feelings are an accumulation and build of the life you’ve lead without God. It’s extremely important for you to grasp this revelation in your own life and ask God to speak that feeling of abandonment out your life right now. We’re nearing the end of the point of any of this. ALL He wants from you is for you to be with Him, always. But that does take a conscious, active decision on your part to seek after Him in everything you do.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12
God wasn’t revealing to me for the last few months that my priorities have been way off to tease me or because He wanted me to be in pain. He did it, firstly, because I asked Him to reveal to me all of the things holding me back from a closer relationship with Him, and secondly because He never created me to find any of my pleasure from the eyes, ears, mouths, limbs, soul, spirit, or heart of any other being than He, Himself. His truth is that His heart will never stop coming after you. But He cannot come into a house that He has not been invited to; a house that has not been prepared for His arrival.
What will hold you back from entering this choice with God is actually a number of things. A never ending list of things. A WORLD of things. It’s your choice to decide to let your temple be apart of any of these things. Simple things that didn’t feel very simple or easy to change right away in my life that were hindering my mind from hearing the voice of God…had to go. That included my choice in music and what I kept in front of my face everyday (like Netflix, or even books that weren’t words that came directly from Him, I’ve had to switch up to reading only the Word for now). I can honestly tell you that I feel so much better without any of these things in my life anymore. Everything has slowed down. I live in so much rested freedom. But only when I continue to desperately seek after Him and deny the flesh do I have that in my life. I mean it will probably make me seem less interesting to a lot people because they won’t feel like they can relate to me anymore. But the sadness on my end of things that correlates with that is now gone. Instead, the Spirit has taken it’s place. I won’t indulge people just to seem interested in something at the cost of my soul, just because it’s popular. It’s isn’t my problem anymore. My life is one of obedience to the One I love. Relate it to how you find the opinion of your loved ones way more valuable than that of a stranger, so much so that you usually act on it.
“No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.” 2 Timothy 2:4
Jesus is coming back, whether you’re ready for that or not- and I’m not going full witness on you telling you that it’s happening in your lifetime. But who knows. It could be. All I know is that I’d rather be in His courts already, for the time of His arrival, than in need of signs and wonders to tell me of His coming. Signs are for the blind and for the deaf. Warnings are for people in danger. I don’t want to live in a state of danger. What I want is to be so secure in my relationship with Him that nothing ever phases me. The world cannot come near me because through the covenant I have made with the Lord I am untouchable. That’s something that you can live in. That humbled confidence in knowing your place at the table.
“Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” Psalms 84:10
I started off this journey with a tattoo. A symbol of a Sun on the one side, and a moon on the other.
“And God said, ‘Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. God made two great lights–– the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night.” Genesis 1:14-16
I did this at first because I wanted someone to see me. I wanted someone to look beyond the tattoo and know that I was what they wanted. To have enough of a spiritual awareness that they would know that I was made to live alongside them as their companion. I wanted them to be my sun, and I would be there moon and life would be romantic and perfect. *Sentimental until the day I die..probably*. This was mostly in response to a Spirit of Hopelessness of never getting married and having a lot of bitterness towards the male sex. They were all pretty selfish reasons to get a tattoo. Almost rebellious and not very consistent to what I was actually telling people. “Oh it’s for my relationship with God. My covenant to Him.” I mean, luckily because I was speaking that over myself, eventually that revelation and heart posture actually did show up and fill my being. But not until after quite a few layers of heart hiding had been revealed to me by Him. Well. I asked for it. And I’m more than glad that I did.
Jesus is inviting you into that kind of relationship with Him. I mean guys like to cringe at the thought of the being the bride, but there are also plenty of places in the bible that talk about us and our Sonship. So get over it. It’s not a feminine thing. You are supposed to live in companionship with Him. You are allowed to feel those romantic fulfillments in Him. He wants to be that for you, first and foremost before you go trying to pursue the girl of your dreams, during that courtship and after you’re together. He NEEDS to be that anchor. You will only feel unsatisfied in everything you try to accomplish if He isn’t.
The first thing that is probably going to arise within you is the fear of not having done enough for Him, or if you’re really going to be honest with yourself, the fear of not having been known by people in this lifetime. That may be what you really have to ask God to work through in your spirit with Him in order to break free and just be with Him. He didn’t say it was going to be easy. I think that’s been my personal catch phrase of 2017 so far. He really wants you to have rest in not doing anything except for sitting alone with Him.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for today. Thank you that you are enough. Thank you that you’ve shown me what’s inside my heart, and shown me is that it wasn’t you. Thank you for giving me the conviction to grieve a life without you, so that I could take the steps to change that. Lord thank you that you showed me what it was like to miss you. All I know now is that I must be in your Spirit always, that my true fulfillment is just in being at your feet. Thank you that you’ve given us such clear examples such as Mary submitting herself to just spending time laying at your feet, and all of the scripture about the bride of Christ. Thank you that we have places to look when we are trying to figure out how to be with you. Lord I pray any confusion off of my life of where to look. I only have to seek out your Word and I will be at rest. Lord I bind any plans of the enemy to keep me from being with you in your Word. I will never lean on my own understanding, but instead I will rest on your wisdom all the days of my life. You are my life. Lord thank you that you have placed the vindication in in my life to start changing the ways that I do things. Thank you for life and light. I just want to be with you, so let me never need to be seen by man and instead let me see your heart instead.
I will give you all the glory and all the thanks for the rest of my life. You are beautiful, and I love you.
The idea of sharing Jesus with all of the people I’ve ever met for Eternity. Ever.
It only dawned on me a couple of months ago that a huge reason the bible emphasizes the need for community and unity is because God wants to see us all get there. He wants all of us and so naturally I should want all of us in response to that. I mean most people will read that and be like “Duh, Fawn.. that’s ridiculously obvious.” I mean the reason why the bible talks about it so much is because whoever believes is going to be amongst the people you get to hang out with for the rest of your afterlife. What. So cool.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10: 24-25
It’s a biblical principle that has now been slightly twisted into a new age trend. It’s the thought of “I don’t want to compete with anyone, I want us all to make it”; I’ve used it plenty of times. Crazy how most of the things that I was inspired by that were written as little life motivations can actually be found in pure form within the bible. When Paul was writing to the Phillipians God gave him this exact revelation to share, “Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves,” Phillipians 2:3. We also had a living example of this kind of life. Jesus. The fact is, we did because He first did. Jesus wants us all SO badly that He died for us. How amazing is that? A person sacrificed everything so that all you had to do is simply choose eternity. Amazing. I fall in love with my Jesus more and more each day. And He falls more and more in love with you every day. Don’t you want to sit at a table with someone who loves you MORE and MORE each day. And it’s not a creepy thing at all! It’s that butterflies-in-the-stomach-but-really-never-goes-away-unless-you-turn-from-it feeling. Also men, you totally love that feeling, and if you think you don’t, you’re probably lying to yourself. And anyone who hasn’t felt that feeling yet, I invite you to try it out. Iz tha basssst (My attempt at trying to write out how Nacho Libre would say that. Yep. You heard it. No shame. It happens to be one of my favourite movies).
I’ve been listening to commentary by John Mark McMillan on some of his live recorded albums lately and it’s sooooo refreshing. The guy is smart.
Not that intellectual “lets argue about which theological philosophy is correct” smart, but the kind of smart that actually resonates with your everyday reality. That’s probably why I end up being so fascinated with songwriters, especially ones like him. The way they connect moments with people is definitely something that I long to do.
Really, first and foremost, John is just so real with his love for Jesus. That’s why the track that his train is on makes me motivated to want to switch some gears. The songs make me feel like I’m a traveler alongside him on this passenger train ride we’ve decided to take together. It’s like talking to a friend, because when you talk to a friend (well hopefully this is your experience) you’re able to agree on things. It makes you feel like you’re reaching a destination and you’re doing it with someone. It’s nice to hear things and agree with them! It’s the same feeling a breath of fresh air or a sigh of relief gives you. Good intake, and satisfying release.
On most of these commentaries, he talks about how life really is all about the people you reach and the ones who sit at your table. I get so teary eyed at this picture. I love it so much. Your table might not be the same size as my table and for sure you can anticipate that it’s probably going to be readjusted over time, adding bits here and there, some seasons you’ll have to take some chairs away and sit with less for a while, and sometimes the chairs themselves will have to change in height, size, and use (BABIES). At the end of your life though your table could be full. “Everything Jesus did was an invitation”, is a quote by Jonathan Helser (another musician, shocker) which inspires me to be way more willing to be bold in how I put myself out there. Jesus has given me the confidence in a specific way lately, that might seem insignificant to you but means the world to me in this period of my life. I have always wanted to be able to look anyone I see or meet in the eye and say hello without the fear of rejection. I knew a boy for a time who did that to everyone who crossed his path when we’d go for walks. I mostly just looked away or at the ground, or really only had the guts to try because he was there with me doing it first. The reality is that Ireally wanted that freedom for myself. I wanted not to care if someone chose not to say hi back or thought I was strange for trying. And guess what?? NOW I DO. Within the last 3 months Jesus has restored that confidence inside of me that was never supposed to have left in the first place. I walked by about 5 people today and even started up a conversation with a couple of them. If this story resonates with you, I can guarantee you that Jesus definitely wants to do it for you too. Such a small thing but such a large victory from a Kingdom perspective for anyone!
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2
Your life is influenced by everything around you and everyone around you. Which in turn means that everyone around you is probably influenced by you in one way or another even without your knowledge at times. God wants to give us every opportunity we can to draw people in to share our lives and build our tables up with. The guest list is clear. You’re invited, you’re invited, and you’re invited. I’m pretty open about what I’d like my table talk to be these days. Which is predominantly the goodness of Jesus. The funny thing is that for this season of my life my table is pretty small and really only has a couple of permanent chairs. Even those chairs, sturdy and well founded as they are, are kind of like those shaker chairs that you unhook from the wall when needed ( If you don’t know what those chairs are you should look up them up. They’re actually very cool, very minimalist. You’ll love it). I’m not saying this because I want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to know how joyful I am at even the prospect of having another chair sit at my table. I’m not desperate. I don’t chase. Jesus didn’t chase after people, if they wanted Him they came to Him, or at least if they asked then He would go to them. There was no pride involved. It’s been my goal to go and be with anyone who asks me to. I will literally change my schedule around and miss out on other things to cater to people and their lives. I do this because they are worth the care. Every single person I know is darn well worth my time. I mean they ASKED. I give them credit for that, it’s 2017, no one asks anymore, they just assume it’ll come to them, or they feel so rejected from life already they don’t have the confidence to want to ask. Point is it’s very hard to find people willing to come to you and that’s exactly why I’ve chosen to be the one who is flexible for now. Different seasons will call for different things out of you. My life is going to be one of little loving gestures of service, and sometimes that really just looks like an afternoon walk with a friend or having a new a guest at your table for a meal.
You can open the doors of your heart to let new people in. You can ask God to take over and bring those opportunities into your life. You don’t have to overwork yourself; God wants to be your provider. I believe in you, so I’m going to invite you to pray about it with me tonight. We’ll work on opening up, on seeking people out, on being more in love with the goodness of the Lord, and on always being inviting.
Dear God
Thank you so much for today. Thank you for the beautiful revelation of people. For the sheer fact that you have not created us to live our lives alone. Thank you that we get to walk along side one another and spur each other into greater relationship with you. I’m so blessed for the people who already live in heart who are doing this with me. I thank you so much for them, and ask you to bless them tenfold just for the way that they show their hearts towards you and to me. Lord I ask you to open the table of my heart. Let it expand to allow new people to share your love with. Let me trust in you to bring this into my life. Lord I trust you. I trust you with my table. I trust that you will give me the discernment to let the right people in for the right occasions. Lord you are such a patient God, that I ask you to make my soul just as patient as you are with me. Let me know when it’s time for action and when it’s time to wait. But overall Lord let my life be an invitation to everyone. To know the goodness that you have done for me. Let me rest knowing that you love me because you designed me and you didn’t design me to do works. Those were gifts. Lord and any extension of work I can do for you through those gifts is just an added blessing, but that I can rest knowing that me just being with you and in your presence is enough for you. I ask that everyone I meet would know the freedom that is in living a life like that with you. Come what may Lord, I ask you to always be the head of my table, and I trust you with the rest.
“Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasy have no sense.” Proverbs 12:11
It’s been my experience that collecting skills is a talent. It’s a gift to those few who are disciplined enough to allow themselves less leisure time outside of the work day, and dedicate themselves to a form of worship through the services they do for others. These are the the people that believe in the “the last shall come first”, philosophy. They know that in order to get where they want and lead the lives that they want, there always needs to be a bit of a sacrifice with their time as a socialite for a season (this is where having a solid relationship with the Lord in His and your secret place will save you from a heap of loneliness….trust me. Isolating yourself, is not the same as personal solitude, and a restful state away from people for a period of time..). It doesn’t make sense to undersell yourself. Humbling yourself does not take the face of false modesty. You do need to know that you and what you’re choosing to do in those service times has value. You need to believe in what you do. Sometimes, though, that takes a willingness to learn about something that doesn’t necessarily interest you deep in your soul. Take for example your taxes. You have to do them every year, yet I know very few people who get really jazzed about the regulations surrounding taxes.. except maybe for my friend Kate…But she’s special. But I know that knowing these regulations will save me a lot of grief in the future. Knowing how God feels about your work (whatever it is), is key.
What you’re doing now is what will dictate how your dreams will come to life in the future. The sooner you grab hold of that, and don’t just spend most of your day dreaming and aimlessly living in angst of what could be or what should have been, the more consistent you will feel, and with that comes a solid state of joyful satisfaction with your life. This doesn’t mean that bad things miraculously stop happening to you or that your life is boring in any way. Leaving space in your weekend or an evening during the week for some solid spontaneity is key to any season of life. And I’ll talk about the small ways I make breathing space within my life to cater to these more singular stages of life. But today all I want you to grasp is just the act of starting something. Preferably something with other people so that you can keep each other accountable. People are so concerned with picking the “right” career for themselves and being passionate about what they do, but so often they are so paralyzed about the job that they don’t even start; On anything. They are often the anxious life coasters, who live with their parents for extended-extended periods of time. Heavy truth for a lot of us 20-year-olds who are devastatingly frightened to make any kind of real commitment in our lives with our careers. I know so many single Christian women who are afraid of doing what their heart is calling them to just because they’re afraid of being too intimidating to a man. It is right and good for them to submit their future husband.. but ignoring your destiny because some guys aren’t going to be able to take how beautiful the light that shines through you that God has created you as is a lie. Men and women really need to realize that God never really placed a ton of emphasis on WHAT you are doing (unless it was sin). He placed emphasis on what HE could DO through you. Anywhere, Anytime. He wants us to find that identity in Him, and Him alone, so that we will be confident with whatever is thrown at us.
“All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” Proverbs 14:23
Master Roaster of Rosso holding his handy work
Today, and yesterday were my first official training days as a part-time barista at a new coffee shop that is opening up soon in Medicine Hat. It’s been a little daunting, because I’m not the savviest or most hip person when it comes to knowing all the new coffee trends. If I’m going to be super honest, I don’t really even enjoy coffee that much. I’m a tea girl, and even that only started after I worked at the Teavana that used to be in our mall. I was there for about a year and a half, and had just started to feel more confident in my tea-knowledge. It was interesting grilling the Master-Roaster-guy, Cole, about all of the ins and outs of the processes that go into making, drinking, and sourcing different espresso and coffee. We have this giant shiny machine to play around with, and we’re trying to get really good with our latte art by the grand opening, which is expected to be around May 6th. I’m so blessed to have been offered the part-time position that I have. It still feels more like they’re doing me a service, instead of the other way around. I’m only available to work Friday evenings, Saturdays, and the occasional Sunday. Which doesn’t make me the most flexible employee in the world. But alas, they are keen on having me be a part of this little explosion of new life in our city and are giving me a new opportunity to work hard at something I haven’t done well yet in my life.
“I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Phillipians 4:13
People often talk about wearing 3 different large-scale career hats in their lifetimes. I’ve worn about 2 large scale borderline hipster/Amish hats that have shaded me well and traded them out on weekends and evenings for about a dozen smaller ones that have been either WAY too large for my head, too small, or just not the right fit for the right season. And I’m only 21. I usually tend to do multiple jobs at once, because I want to know how businesses work. I want to know why people shop where they shop and buy what they do from the places they choose. I want to know how businesses specifically keep in mind the end user. People are known to pay for more attentive details in life. And those are the kinds of companies I’m more keen to partner with. I do this in part because I’m curious about people and the way they think, but also because I’d like to be as ready as possible if the Lord asks me to open up my own business someday. I was also in university/college for the last 4 years, so that would predominantly be why the roles I’ve had have been smaller, and more temporary. I’m actually really excited about the being able to really make a name for myself, and am really working on my own life consistency right now, since He’s asked me to stay planted in Medicine Hat.
The first real latte art to come out of Verve Cafe, made by one of my fellow, currently more latte art talented, baristas…I WILL get better..right?
BUT, the number one reason I’m pushing this today, is because we have all been asked to open our hearts to having our lives show as personal working ministries unto the Lord. Your daily heart posture towards your work is a huge deal to the Lord. He wants to be in it with you. He wants to be alongside you in every encounter and every detail of that day you are maybe not so keen to relive. God’s heart is for your life. And most of our lives are spent working 90% of the time and if you start developing a lifestyle spending all of your day taking Him alongside you, you will never question where he has placed you. Obviously there will be transitions in your life and you will have to make bigger decisions as you and your relationship with the Lord mature. But maturity in your relationship with Him sharpens every sense, including your hearing capabilities. You will know when something isn’t a right fit you anymore, because His Spirit will be guiding you. But all He’s asking for now is your partnership. Personally, I would like to be a solid woman of the Lord, and know that I specifically, have been designed to fulfill the identity He laid out for me in the 31st chapter of Proverbs. So I’m going to invite you to pray with me to ask what your next step should be, for Him to open new doors if there aren’t any, and/or to help you invite Him into the situations and jobs you are in already that might feel like they are sucking the life out of you. To work hard is a blessing. Believe it.
“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honour at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7
Keep chugging you beautiful birds, I believe in all of you.
“Dear Jesus,
Thank you so much for this life that you have given me. Thank you that there are so many opportunities around me, that even at times it’s extremely overwhelming to think about all the doors available to me. I ask you to silence any voices telling me to walk through doors that were not made specifically for me, and to silence any lies of the enemy breathing down my throat to quit or move on before it is my time in the job/jobs I am currently working in. I praise your name that I get to really show people what a hard-working Christian looks like. I am not an aimless wanderer because I’ve been founded in your blood and you have adopted me into your Kingdom. Lord thank you for missionaries, thank you that there are people you have called all over the world to bring forth the gospel and to help others in developing nations in their standards of life, Jesus. I ask that these people continue to do good work in your name, and continue to melt hearts with your love. Love, I ask you to show me how to live my life in an artistic expression of ministry just by the way that I do things, by the way that I listen, and by the way that I speak, at my current places of employment. Jesus, I ask you to come with me everyday to work. I ask you to sit with me, stand with me, read to me, and be with me. I ask you to whisper truth into my heart and ear all day long. I don’t want to be apart from you. I want you alongside me in every breathe I take, and every decision I make. I know that you are with me. Lord thank you that all you do is good, and because of that when you are inside of me, all I can do is good. Lay down my pride in times where I need to be corrected in my daily actions, and give me wisdom to know when to speak. Lord just let me shine your good name in every instance. Thank you for all that you do, and I’m now officially pumped to be your catalyst in this community. No job is too big or too small.
So a couple of years ago a photographer in town visited my apartment. I wasn’t living in the apartment I currently am, but she was captivated enough by my personal style back then to want to photograph my place and me as a lifestyle shoot. I promised her that I would let her be the one to get the first taste of my love for interior design on her camera through her own lensed process and style.
“My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.” Isaiah 32:18
Now about two-point-five years later, when I have surprisingly had to turn down a few photographers that have asked to photograph me in my home, I managed to stick to my guns, and in my loyalty still only had Wingtips Photography in mind for the first complete look into my space.
The photographs that she took are nothing but personal insights of beauty. They are each unique and captivating. Her work inspires me in colour and in emotion. The photographer herself, Rachel Senneker, is this tiny, bold, witty, sweet-willed woman. I was pretty enraptured myself by her when I first moved here. She was so comfortable with herself and what she wanted that I’ve always wanted to do with her life in any capacity. She has such depth in her struggles, and is always fighting for the better in her life through the Lord. I wanted her presence to breathe a little of that onto my own life. Her faith and dedication to finding the gold in life has always attracted me to want more of what she finds through her relationship with God in my own life. I pray in the future that I get to work and grow alongside her more often.
My favourite thing about my home is the light and interest it’s brought unto those who have come to visit. I always forget how different and eclectic it must be to everyone, so I never really think about how overwhelming it could be to take in the colours, textures and character of the apartment all at once. My style dictates a space that will not dull my senses, but inspires me in my creative work with how I’ve placed things in the compositional space that was available to me. Most of it has function. Maybe not for one person, because in the end, it’s really not possible for my butt to take up like 6 seating places…but it was meant for community. It’s such a funny lay-out, that I’ve had to play around a lot lot in order to get it to a suitable position for guests. A lot of my friends have poked fun at the amount of time I spend just rearranging furniture. In a way though, I’ve managed to do it unto the Lord and it’s become a new way to worship Him. I’ve always wanted a space that people felt welcome to come and visit.
My home is a place of sanctuary for me. Lately, it’s where I’ve been able to come to spend time away with the Lord, to hear what he has to say about what’s going on in my life. But, it hasn’t always been that way. Even shortly after these photos were taken about two months ago, Satan wanted to try and distort the goodness that came out of my home. He would correlate being at home with negative emotions and awfully vivid illustrations that made me want to spend every minute away from my apartment that I could. That’s when I had to go straight up battle mode on what was taking place.
I am not a depressed person. I am extremely motivated to live in the joy of the Lord and know that my inheritance allows me to expect this out of my relationship with Him. So when things are off in my soul, I start to question it. I start to practice the gift of self-awareness and ask Him what’s happening. I also invite wise counsel into my life. Satan wants you to question your identity, so he’s going to try and cut you off from those around you who want to help speak the Lord’s living waters into your heart. In my case, I call my mother and explain the thoughts and feelings that have surrounded my day. I’ve been blessed enough to have a mother who is very knowledgeable in this area specifically, so if you don’t have that available to you, I urge you to search some out. It may seem scary and irrational to bring to the people of faith in your life, but at the end of the day, if they care about your life, truly, t
hey will fight against this with you. And if they think you’re insane, you should find new people. That sounds harsh.. I’m not telling you to drop them completely out of your life, but I’m asking you if it even makes sense to be around people who don’t understand you and what you’re going through, and who aren’t pushing you to live in the Christ-like identity you’ve been given. Community in these days also has to look like comradery: the willingness to fight alongside your brother and sister in Christ, even when things look bleak. That said, do NOT isolate yourself. The gift of the Lord is in the balance between personal solitude and being able to do life along side others. I’m giving you a lot of do’s and don’ts, but that’s because I want you to live through this. Because I care about you and that destiny that God has laid out in front of you.
Home spiritual warfare is a thing, and it’s something you have to fight against in order to get your nurturing space back. This life is a battle and we were called to fight for our lives so that we may shine like victors to those around us. When things like this are happening in your life, it’s probably an indication that Satan sees you as a threat. You are winning with the Lord, and he wants to take you out. His goal is to kill us, after all. It isn’t just a dramatic statement. It’s wildly true.
There were days when I would be completely okay, but as soon as I stepped foot into my apartment
building, walking up the stairs to get to my home, I’d have these crazy intense visual suggestions about taking a knife to my wrists. Again. I am not depressed. As soon as this started I recognized that these thoughts were not my own, and started speaking in tongues, and if that wasn’t enough I’d call my mom to help pray me through it. Speaking in tongues is something that not every Christian believes in, but I am telling you it helped save my life. So believe it or not, but I’m still here because of the spiritual gifts that God made available to not only me, but everyone. It is written: Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. Roman’s 8:16
Our Prince of Peace has come to give us much more than we could imagine in our victory against the devil. That’s only one of the unimaginable things that started happening to me as I drew closer and still draw closer in my relationship with the Lord in the secret place within my household. I’m not telling you any of this to wish it into your own experiences as you walk deeper with the Lord, but I do want you to be equipped in the future if this starts to happen to you.
“A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” John 10:10
Here is a prayer you can start with over your household if you really don’t know where to start. Invite Jesus in, and ask Him to become the leadership in your household, and He WILL take care of the rest.
“Lord thank you for this beautiful life you’ve given me. Thank you that you have always provided me with perfect sanctuary to be blessed in your name, and to have an opportunity to bless others. Lord, in that, I ask that you come and reside within my earthly foundation. I ask that you protect this household and all the souls that live within it’s walls. I ask that you make this home an overwhelming well of peace for anyone who walks through it. Lord, I ask that this household would become laced in the weapons of your Word, that the enemy couldn’t reach even a floorboard that makes up this household. I pray that you teach me to become a general within the war that is being waged within the spiritual world. I ask that you would make this house an impenetrable battle front, that any evil that tries to pass through would be taken down at the thought of coming near here. Thank you Jesus for your goodness, thank you that in your Word it says “Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place— the Most High, who is my refuge— no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.” (Psalms 91: 9-11) I pray all this into fruition in the name of Jesus, Amen. “
Obviously you can change this up to fit your own way of communicating with the Lord, but it’s just a stepping stone to helping you take back the space that He has asked you to dedicate in His name, so that you may live in peace.
At the end of December I had a nightmare. I am not usually someone who has dreams of any kind. I sleep like a rock, and don’t usually remember anything that goes on during those blissful hours of sloth-like wonder. My desires for this to change in my life has occurred as my relationship with God has been strengthened in obedience to Him. I now actually pray to have a vivid dreaming life, full of illustrations and visions of what is happening in my King’s heart. So perhaps this was an opening to that. With that I do warn you that Satan will try and tempt and twist anything that you ask from the Lord into something that you will think that He isn’t working through in your life.
“This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John: 5-9
Background to this event taking place, there was trouble in paradise within the relationship I had with my boyfriend at the time. I had just come to him in honesty about feelings I had held onto from a pervious relationship/friendship that had resurfaced and told him I had finally decided to give them over to the Lord before coming to him that evening. We were going through lots of ups and downs, which I felt were mostly attributed to me and this situation. I actually drove 2.5 hours, back to the city early from holidays, because I needed to tell him in person right away. Holding onto those feelings was wrong, and I should have submitted them to the Lord months prior, but in my pride and sensitivity to this new relationship I had allowed myself to stew in old comforts I wanted to hold onto.
In this previous relationship I had developed a soul tie with someone (we were not living for the Lord, and had a really intimate relationship outside of marriage), and whom I had reconnected with over the summer. He had broken up with me two years preceding, and we had not seen or talked to each other since. I thought I had dealt with the feelings, gotten over the relationship and moved on. Really all I had done was push the tie down and told myself I had moved on. When he asked to have coffee that summer to apologize for how everything went down, I thought it was amazing. I thought it was God restoring a friendship in my life. In a way it was a blessing, because I have now cut that soul-tie and it no longer plagues my life, and I’m able to think of that person and not feel or think anything towards them except the warmth of what Jesus has planned for them in their life (praise Jesus). But it had not actually done anything good for my next relationship, this false sense of reconciliation in my past. Anyways, so this new boyfriend felt very insecure after I told him about all of this and even though I had submitted it to God, he lost a lot of trust in me that evening. He asked for a week to himself, as a time out, to think about if this relationship was something we should really consider pursuing any longer. At the time, I told him it was fine with me, that I shouldn’t have expected anything different, and that I would wait for his decision.
That was the the night. The worst nightmare of my life. I fell asleep thinking that I was alright, sucking up my hurt from the separation between me and my current companion and trying to place it all in God’s hands instead. In the dream I was in my apartment, and another ex-boyfriend (I really hope that when you think about dating so freely, you take in how uninteresting it is to have a list like mine, save yourself for the one, God will reward you for the wait) knocked at my door. I let him in, because he was familiar and I was used to his presence. He then raped me. I didn’t say anything in the dream, I just let it happen. I woke up thinking that it was my fault what happened in the dream because of my passivity.
“This is why it is said: ‘Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.’” Ephesians 5:14
I didn’t have anyone to talk to about the dream. I felt ashamed, and even later that day, when my boyfriend started to talk to me again, I only told him because I felt like it was like lying to him if I kept it hidden in my heart. What I realized God was asking me to do later on, was to rely solely on Him. He wanted me, all of me. I then decided to ask God into the situation, and asked Him to make something beautiful out of the darkness. He willed me to paint.
Creating light out of a dark event isn’t the same as using the darkness to create something that continually reminds you of the trauma you have just experienced. If you write a song, draw a picture, take a photograph that explains all of the angst you just experienced you will likely only be able to make people feel all the negative emotions you felt through that experience. This might initially make you and them feel better, in connecting you to one another, because you have both felt the same things, but it has no lasting fruit. You aren’t showing them what is good. You aren’t showing them how God has worked through that situation in your heart.
Your identity is in Christ. You are not doing it alone. You get to invite Him into every dark crevice to light the way. Whatever He touches will not be able to hide from the love and light that He has to offer. I made a decision that morning to create in light of the love I’ve received from the One most high. He showed me a picture of a girl who has been hiding amongst the flowers, His beloved. He wanted to take me out of that trauma, and He wanted to walk alongside me in the wonder of beauty that has come out of my interest in Him.
Honouring God in our work by focusing on the good is not a naive way of thinking. It lines up with the idea of finding our fulfillment in Him, and Him alone, and it leads others into that salvation as well. It does not meditate on what you have done, or what the sin, and darkness of the earth has done to you. It shines a beam to the way of life. The only way of life.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5
from hope deferred, and you’re being counselled by a ton of people in relationships. IRONY. This is where that whole killing your pride comes in. The thing is that He never even wanted you to have to feel even that achey-tormenty feeling in your chest at the thought of being alone. The reality is that those feelings are an accumulation and build of the life you’ve lead without God. It’s extremely important for you to grasp this revelation in your own life and ask God to speak that feeling of abandonment out your life right now. We’re nearing the end of the point of any of this. ALL He wants from you is for you to be with Him, always. But that does take a conscious, active decision on your part to seek after Him in everything you do.
hearing the voice of God…had to go. That included my choice in music and what I kept in front of my face everyday (like Netflix, or even books that weren’t words that came directly from Him, I’ve had to switch up to reading only the Word for now). I can honestly tell you that I feel so much better without any of these things in my life anymore. Everything has slowed down. I live in so much rested freedom. But only when I continue to desperately seek after Him and deny the flesh do I have that in my life. I mean it will probably make me seem less interesting to a lot people because they won’t feel like they can relate to me anymore. But the sadness on my end of things that correlates with that is now gone. Instead, the Spirit has taken it’s place. I won’t indulge people just to seem interested in something at the cost of my soul, just because it’s popular. It’s isn’t my problem anymore. My life is one of obedience to the One I love. Relate it to how you find the opinion of your loved ones way more valuable than that of a stranger, so much so that you usually act on it.
Not that intellectual “lets argue about which theological philosophy is correct” smart, but the kind of smart that actually resonates with your everyday reality. That’s probably why I end up being so fascinated with songwriters, especially ones like him. The way they connect moments with people is definitely something that I long to do.
Now about two-point-five years later, when I have surprisingly had to turn down a few photographers that have asked to photograph me in my home, I managed to stick to my guns, and in my loyalty still only had Wingtips Photography in mind for the first complete look into my space.
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building, walking up the stairs to get to my home, I’d have these crazy intense visual suggestions about taking a knife to my wrists. Again. I am not depressed. As soon as this started I recognized that these thoughts were not my own, and started speaking in tongues, and if that wasn’t enough I’d call my mom to help pray me through it. Speaking in tongues is something that not every Christian believes in, but I am telling you it helped save my life. So believe it or not, but I’m still here because of the spiritual gifts that God made available to not only me, but everyone. It is written: Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. Roman’s 8:16
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