I’m not about to tell you any of this to prove how much more spiritual I am than you. No. I’m only interested in the possibility of you seeing something (a life with Jesus, and only Jesus) that you may want to live out in your own life. To give you insight into a life that is wrapped up in this feeling of being tightly squeezed by the Spirit all the days of your life, of never being insecure because your trust in the Lord outweighs any obstacle you could ever face in the flesh.
I had always lived from an extreme place of fear for the future. That fear didn’t allow me to enjoy the present very much because I was always worried about what I needed to do next, how I could please people more, and always entrapped in thinking about opportunities of how I could, or potentially would, be noticed for my accomplishments. Parallel to these feelings were longings in my soul for someone to see me for the woman God had created me to be. Not by my works, or by my giftings. At the same time as never feeling like I’d achieved enough in my 21 years of life so far, I also wanted every one to see me apart from the things I could potentially do for them. To just have me sit at their table. To find me interesting enough to just want to be with me, not so that I could entertain them or even necessarily be a part of the conversation going on, but just so I could be seen.
“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7
Being seen for who we are instead of what we can do, is a fundamental longing that has been situated inside of all of us. But this longing was never supposed to be fulfilled with other people. In any capacity. I don’t care if you’re married, or have a super close relationship with your family, if you’re in a relationship, or want to be in one. God is a jealous God. He wants to be the only one who satisfies ALL of the longings in your heart. People will fail you. People will never be enough. I am not trying to weigh you down. I myself am still a single girl, who use to struggle so hardcore with longings to walk a life alongside another. I know what it is to hear someone, a preacher, teacher or friend tell you that, and feel like they just turned a knife in your heart. Your gut reaction is to either scowl through it, or to tear up, because you feel that what they are telling you isn’t fair. This can be an especially hard pill to swallow if you’re someone with sickness in your heart 
from hope deferred, and you’re being counselled by a ton of people in relationships. IRONY. This is where that whole killing your pride comes in. The thing is that He never even wanted you to have to feel even that achey-tormenty feeling in your chest at the thought of being alone. The reality is that those feelings are an accumulation and build of the life you’ve lead without God. It’s extremely important for you to grasp this revelation in your own life and ask God to speak that feeling of abandonment out your life right now. We’re nearing the end of the point of any of this. ALL He wants from you is for you to be with Him, always. But that does take a conscious, active decision on your part to seek after Him in everything you do.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12
God wasn’t revealing to me for the last few months that my priorities have been way off to tease me or because He wanted me to be in pain. He did it, firstly, because I asked Him to reveal to me all of the things holding me back from a closer relationship with Him, and secondly because He never created me to find any of my pleasure from the eyes, ears, mouths, limbs, soul, spirit, or heart of any other being than He, Himself. His truth is that His heart will never stop coming after you. But He cannot come into a house that He has not been invited to; a house that has not been prepared for His arrival.
What will hold you back from entering this choice with God is actually a number of things. A never ending list of things. A WORLD of things. It’s your choice to decide to let your temple be apart of any of these things. Simple things that didn’t feel very simple or easy to change right away in my life that were hindering my mind from 
hearing the voice of God…had to go. That included my choice in music and what I kept in front of my face everyday (like Netflix, or even books that weren’t words that came directly from Him, I’ve had to switch up to reading only the Word for now). I can honestly tell you that I feel so much better without any of these things in my life anymore. Everything has slowed down. I live in so much rested freedom. But only when I continue to desperately seek after Him and deny the flesh do I have that in my life. I mean it will probably make me seem less interesting to a lot people because they won’t feel like they can relate to me anymore. But the sadness on my end of things that correlates with that is now gone. Instead, the Spirit has taken it’s place. I won’t indulge people just to seem interested in something at the cost of my soul, just because it’s popular. It’s isn’t my problem anymore. My life is one of obedience to the One I love. Relate it to how you find the opinion of your loved ones way more valuable than that of a stranger, so much so that you usually act on it.
“No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.” 2 Timothy 2:4
Jesus is coming back, whether you’re ready for that or not- and I’m not going full witness on you telling you that it’s happening in your lifetime. But who knows. It could be. All I know is that I’d rather be in His courts already, for the time of His arrival, than in need of signs and wonders to tell me of His coming. Signs are for the blind and for the deaf. Warnings are for people in danger. I don’t want to live in a state of danger. What I want is to be so secure in my relationship with Him that nothing ever phases me. The world cannot come near me because through the covenant I have made with the Lord I am untouchable. That’s something that you can live in. That humbled confidence in knowing your place at the table.
“Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” Psalms 84:10
I started off this journey with a tattoo. A symbol of a Sun on the one side, and a moon on the other.
“And God said, ‘Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. God made two great lights–– the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night.” Genesis 1:14-16
I did this at first because I wanted someone to see me. I wanted someone to look beyond the tattoo and know that I was what they wanted. To have enough of a spiritual awareness that they would know that I was made to live alongside them as their companion. I wanted them to be my sun, and I would be there moon and life would be romantic and perfect. *Sentimental until the day I die..probably*. This was mostly in response to a Spirit of Hopelessness of never getting married and having a lot of bitterness towards the male sex. They were all pretty selfish reasons to get a tattoo. Almost rebellious and not very consistent to what I was actually telling people. “Oh it’s for my relationship with God. My covenant to Him.” I mean, luckily because I was speaking that over myself, eventually that revelation and heart posture actually did show up and fill my being. But not until after quite a few layers of heart hiding had been revealed to me by Him. Well. I asked for it. And I’m more than glad that I did.
Jesus is inviting you into that kind of relationship with Him. I mean guys like to cringe at the thought of the being the bride, but there are also plenty of places in the bible that talk about us and our Sonship. So get over it. It’s not a feminine thing. You are supposed to live in companionship with Him. You are allowed to feel those romantic fulfillments in Him. He wants to be that for you, first and foremost before you go trying to pursue the girl of your dreams, during that courtship and after you’re together. He NEEDS to be that anchor. You will only feel unsatisfied in everything you try to accomplish if He isn’t.
The first thing that is probably going to arise within you is the fear of not having done enough for Him, or if you’re really going to be honest with yourself, the fear of not having been known by people in this lifetime. That may be what you really have to ask God to work through in your spirit with Him in order to break free and just be with Him. He didn’t say it was going to be easy. I think that’s been my personal catch phrase of 2017 so far. He really wants you to have rest in not doing anything except for sitting alone with Him.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for today. Thank you that you are enough. Thank you that you’ve shown me what’s inside my heart, and shown me is that it wasn’t you. Thank you for giving me the conviction to grieve a life without you, so that I could take the steps to change that. Lord thank you that you showed me what it was like to miss you. All I know now is that I must be in your Spirit always, that my true fulfillment is just in being at your feet. Thank you that you’ve given us such clear examples such as Mary submitting herself to just spending time laying at your feet, and all of the scripture about the bride of Christ. Thank you that we have places to look when we are trying to figure out how to be with you. Lord I pray any confusion off of my life of where to look. I only have to seek out your Word and I will be at rest. Lord I bind any plans of the enemy to keep me from being with you in your Word. I will never lean on my own understanding, but instead I will rest on your wisdom all the days of my life. You are my life. Lord thank you that you have placed the vindication in in my life to start changing the ways that I do things. Thank you for life and light. I just want to be with you, so let me never need to be seen by man and instead let me see your heart instead.
I will give you all the glory and all the thanks for the rest of my life. You are beautiful, and I love you.
Thanks Jesus. Amen.
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